W13 Transitions in Marriage

This week we read about relationships with in-laws and parents.

“This may be difficult for daughters who have close relationships with their mothers. Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers.”

Dealing with parent-in-laws is never an easy task, especially when both are fighting for your time and attention. Before couples decide which parent-in-laws to spend time with they must decide what is important to do as just them as a new founded family.

“Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.”

One thing me and my husband have decided for our marriage is to always do Christmas just our small family. We will go over and say hi to the in-laws that we live close to but the main event will be just family. We have also decided this with Thanksgiving, because of some fiascos in the past, it is better for us personally. We need this time to be a happy time of making our own traditions. We still make sure to spend some time with our in-laws, but we keep main events to our small family.

“Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present.”

When parents and parent-in-laws are secure they are able to have a healthy relationship with their married children. They are able to give them space but also be there to support them.

“It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals. Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the larger family group rather than with individuals. Mothers-in-law might consider inviting their daughters-in-law for a lunch and then work toward a balance of self-disclosure and acceptance in the conversation. Fathers-in-law could do something individually with their sons-in-law, again with the purpose of building a positive, accepting relationship. The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected.”

Just because a new couple is their own family does not mean that the in-laws should not try to reach out and become close with their new daughter or son in-law. I loved this quote and the advice that is given, I feel it is important for in-laws to really work and make a relationship with their child’s spouse.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

W12 Unity in Marriage

Fun side note- Richard Miller is my father-in-law! So this was fun reading this article by him. I really liked all the quotes he used in his article. I found it interesting that he talks about once children become adults the parent-child relationship changes. He says “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.” Families are always adapting and changing and this is one big change that happens. Richard Miller also quotes President Spencer W. Kimball (Marriage, p. 17) who said, “Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life.”

Richard then goes on to talk about how husband and wives need to work together as equals and that is how healthy marriages work. A quote he had that really stood out to me was:

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed ( H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989, p. 9).  

In Elder Eyrings talk That We May Be One he talks about how through the church we are able to become one in our marriages. We do this by having the Spirit and utilizing the Atonement in our lives. He then talks about how remembering the Savior helps us to remember his patience and love and will then fill our hearts with love. This talk reminds me of a common drawing that is shown to newlyweds that is a triangle with God at the top and the husband and wife on the bottom and the closer you get to God the closer the couple grows together. That is the same idea of this talk, as you remember God, and draw closer to him, we will draw closer and become one with our spouse.