Week 7- Turn Toward One Another

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”- D&C 64:33

Turning toward one another in marriage can be hard at times, it is easy to want to turn inward and think about your feelings. Yet if we listen to this scripture it teaches us a lot about turning toward one another.

Be not weary in well-doing- sometimes turning toward one another can be tiring, sometimes we would rather relax than do something for our spouse. But if we are not weary and do the little things constantly that is what will build our marriage.

Ye are laying the foundation of a great work- doing the little things for our spouse is what builds the big things. If you are constantly working on the little things, the big things won’t be as hard. When there is a disagreement, you will already have a positive sentiment override and it will be easier to get over.

Out of small things proceedeth that which is great- Out of these little acts our marriages will thrive. In Gottmans book we learn about how turning toward one another is better for a marriage than a two week get away to the Bahamas. This is because small acts that we do everyday to show our spouse that we love them and cherish them is what will bring romance to our marriages.

Although I am not the perfect example of turning toward my spouse, I do try very hard. When I make him lunches I try to leave cute notes or funny inside jokes in his lunch box. When he is unwinding and playing a video game after we put the baby to bed and asks if I want to play with him, although sometimes I would rather just relax I play. I play because it means something to him and it helps me show interest in what he is interested in. And honestly, I’ve started to enjoy it and have fun.

Christ is the perfect example in all things, even marriage. Although we don’t know if he was ever married he taught us to serve, love unconditionally, and always look for the good in others. This is what we need to do in a marriage. The more Christ-like we strive to be the more Christ-like love we will have for our spouse. There’s a really famous saying that goes around about how a marriage is a triangle. God is at the top and the husband and wife are at either corner, the closer you draw to God the closer the husband and wife become.

Week 6- Cherishing Your Spouse

I have loved learning more and cherishing our spouses this week, I feel that it worked perfectly with today being Valentines Day! As I read about love maps in Gottman’s book it made me happy to see that I scored highly, and excited to do the longer tests with my husband, as I know there is still plenty we need to learn about each other. I couldn’t help but think about complacency and how easily that can happen in a marriage. As you date, and are newly married you are busy learning everything you can about each other, but what happens 5, 10, 15 years down the road when you already claim to know everything and life has gotten in the way. Love maps are something that couples need to be working on, constantly. It is not something you learn once. And while just going through life you will continue to learn things about you spouse, you also need to actively try to dig deeper. That is why it is so important to keep dating in a marriage. As I read the love maps and was quite proud of myself, and my marriage I got to thinking about how I am still newlywed, and have a long way to go in this life. I never want complacency to take hold in my marriage.

There is a quote by Henry B. Eyring that says, “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes the weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companions joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” When we are constantly praying for our spouse, and praying for ways to love our spouse I believe that is when we will keep growing as a couple. When we pray for love, when we pray to help, to forgive, to cherish, we will be given those things. It may take time and effort but as long as we are praying that means we are worried and that we care. Whenever I have gotten frustrated with my sweet husband, I make myself do something to serve him, and usually at the beginning I may be grumbling a bit, but by the end of whatever I’m doing I feel that love return and I am no longer upset. Granted these are tiny things, that shouldn’t frustrate me anyways, but it has really taught me that when you work at something, when you work to have fondness and admiration and love, you will get it. If you let yourself dwell on the negative, that is what you will think of, if instead you focus on the positive (even if at times you have to really focus) that is what you will get.

This week we focused on nurturing and appreciating our spouses and I LOVED it! I loved focusing on the good in my marriage and it really gave me the jump start I needed. It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life, and how busy that gets, but we really need to take the time to show appreciation to our spouse! That's how love grows! Me and my husband did two of the activities in Gottman's book and it was so nice to be specific in all the ways we appreciated each other over the last couple of days. There were things I was doing that I didn't know he really appreciated and vice versa. I feel like we got to know each other even more. As we focus on the good instead of  the bad in our marriages it is so easy to be happy! I noticed I was so happy this week and so in love with my spouse because I was CHOOSING to look at all of his good characteristics instead of focusing on the negative.

Week 5- Repair Attempts

As Goddard says in his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, “Sometimes we imagine that learning some tidy set of skills will enable us to process our partnership woes effectively. But good marriage is not about skills. It is about character.” In order to have a successful marriage we must not only having skills but we have to truly be and act a certain way, it has to be engraved in our character. As I thought of my own marriage during this week’s readings I found that my marriage has a positive sentiment override, that’s not to say we don’t argue or have conflict, but we let the positive out-weigh the negative. The indicators that have drawn me to this conclusion is we always try to think the best of each other instead of jumping to conclusions and becoming angry, we also accept each other’s repair attempts. Like I said we are definitely not perfect, and we have our problems as every couple does, but we both strive to remain positive.

In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Gottman explains that friendship is the most important thing in a marriage. He explains, “Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures their quarrels don’t get out of hand.” A little bit later on in the book he explains what that tool is, he says, “Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples—even though many of these couples aren’t aware that they are employing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way.” Gottman explains that the success of repair attempts has to do with how strong the friendship is in the marriage. This is why it is so important, every marriage will have its fair share of conflict, and that doesn’t mean it is doomed to fail, the thing that marks it as unsuccessful is if those repair attempts don’t work.

Week4- Covenant or Contractual

“The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieve in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.”

 Marriage is a partnership where you constantly are working on becoming one, as this quote perfectly explains the man and the woman have different roles in a marriage but because of those differences they can become one. In a talk titled, “Covenant Marriage” by Bruce C. Hafen he explains that there are two different types of marriages, a covenant marriage or a contractual marriage. He explains the difference as this,

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

A covenant marriage is one that gives their all and works together, no matter what comes their way. In this day and age, it is more and more common to have contractual weddings, which is why we are seeing more and more divorces. Couples who are only there for the good won’t stay when the ugly inevitably makes its way over. Every marriage no matter what is going to face trials, there is no denying that, life will throw curve balls and in order to survive you must be totally 100 percent committed to your spouse.

In that same talk by Bruce C. Hafen he goes on to explain that there are three types of wolves that will inevitably come and test a marriage, those are, natural adversity, your own imperfections, and excessive individualism. I’ve seen all three of these wolves be manifest, some in my own marriage, and some in the marriage of loved ones. While we will all be faced with them it is our job to get past them, together. The idea of individualism is becoming more and more prominent and it’s starting to hurt marriages. While it is important to have your own identity, and to do things that you enjoy, the real test is not getting carried away. While there will be different hobbies and interests it is important to include your spouse as much as you can. I think of me and my husband, we honestly have a lot of the same interests and love to spend our time together, but recently we have decided that one night a week I need to get out of the house and do something for me. We do this so that I can feel rejuvenated and come back a better wife and mother—and while I am gone he does things that he enjoys. This helps us to have a restart, if this was every night that is when extreme individualism sets in.

The main way that we can make sure we have a covenant and not a contractual marriage is in our actions. Bruce C. Hafen said, “Faithfulness and fidelity in marriage must not simply be attractive words spoken in sermons; rather, they should be principles evident in our own covenant marriage relationships.” We must show our spouse through our actions that we love them and are faithful to them. By acts of service, and words of affirmation, both in public and private we can solidify our marriages.