W13 Transitions in Marriage

This week we read about relationships with in-laws and parents.

“This may be difficult for daughters who have close relationships with their mothers. Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers.”

Dealing with parent-in-laws is never an easy task, especially when both are fighting for your time and attention. Before couples decide which parent-in-laws to spend time with they must decide what is important to do as just them as a new founded family.

“Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.”

One thing me and my husband have decided for our marriage is to always do Christmas just our small family. We will go over and say hi to the in-laws that we live close to but the main event will be just family. We have also decided this with Thanksgiving, because of some fiascos in the past, it is better for us personally. We need this time to be a happy time of making our own traditions. We still make sure to spend some time with our in-laws, but we keep main events to our small family.

“Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present.”

When parents and parent-in-laws are secure they are able to have a healthy relationship with their married children. They are able to give them space but also be there to support them.

“It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals. Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the larger family group rather than with individuals. Mothers-in-law might consider inviting their daughters-in-law for a lunch and then work toward a balance of self-disclosure and acceptance in the conversation. Fathers-in-law could do something individually with their sons-in-law, again with the purpose of building a positive, accepting relationship. The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected.”

Just because a new couple is their own family does not mean that the in-laws should not try to reach out and become close with their new daughter or son in-law. I loved this quote and the advice that is given, I feel it is important for in-laws to really work and make a relationship with their child’s spouse.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

W12 Unity in Marriage

Fun side note- Richard Miller is my father-in-law! So this was fun reading this article by him. I really liked all the quotes he used in his article. I found it interesting that he talks about once children become adults the parent-child relationship changes. He says “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.” Families are always adapting and changing and this is one big change that happens. Richard Miller also quotes President Spencer W. Kimball (Marriage, p. 17) who said, “Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life.”

Richard then goes on to talk about how husband and wives need to work together as equals and that is how healthy marriages work. A quote he had that really stood out to me was:

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed ( H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989, p. 9).  

In Elder Eyrings talk That We May Be One he talks about how through the church we are able to become one in our marriages. We do this by having the Spirit and utilizing the Atonement in our lives. He then talks about how remembering the Savior helps us to remember his patience and love and will then fill our hearts with love. This talk reminds me of a common drawing that is shown to newlyweds that is a triangle with God at the top and the husband and wife on the bottom and the closer you get to God the closer the couple grows together. That is the same idea of this talk, as you remember God, and draw closer to him, we will draw closer and become one with our spouse.

W11 Intimacy in Marriage

“In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, p. 39) 
 

In the LDS culture we are taught the law of chastity and more often than not, only the part about how we need to abstain from having sexual relationships until we are married. There is usually not much talk about how once you are married sex is a good, and important thing. This quote really stuck out to me, especially the first line, “sex should be a celebration”. How often are we taught that sex should be a celebration? This week I really appreciated all of our readings about the importance of intimacy in marriage and the good it brings.

“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”—Spencer W. Kimball

Intimacy in marriage is a good thing! This is one quote that I want to remember, there is nothing “unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself”. When done in the right setting, with a husband and wife, sexual relations are meant to show love and bring the couple closer together.

Of course, with the good also comes the bad. There are many ways that intimacy is tainted, infidelity and pornography, to name a few. As a mother of a son, it is something that I have thought a lot about. How will I protect my son? My husband? My household? How will I teach my children that sex is not a bad thing, it just has to be done within the boundaries the Lord has set. I believe this starts with me and my spouse. If together we can show our children, what a happy, healthy relationship looks and acts like we can help protect them from what the world portrays as acceptable. In my marriage there are boundaries we have set, if one of us texts someone of the opposite sex who is not family, we inform the other. It doesn’t happen often, but the few times it has we are open and the other always reads the messages. There are no secrets. We are open with our phones and passwords. Not that either one of us has reason to worry or even a real reason to not trust the other, we have those boundaries to protect ourselves. We do this to be overcautious because when it comes to Satan and technology, I believe you can never be too safe. We learned in Goddards book that there is a pattern to infidelity. I was surprised at how quickly innocent and even good behaviors can turn to cheating on your spouse.

W10 Gridlock

 

This week we learned about overcoming gridlock and how we can get past something that seems impossible to overcome. Gridlock is a problem in a marriage that is impossible to overcome, it’s one that every time you talk about it, it gets worse. The best-case scenario for a marriage is that they can avoid gridlock at all costs, but that does not always happen. The majority of the time when gridlock occurs it is because of a hidden dream that one of the spouses has, when you can get to the deep-rooted meaning of the gridlock and figure out the dream, that is when you can learn to overcome it. Gottman gives us four steps to get over gridlock which are:

1. Explore the dream- in order to explore the dream, you must both speak, and listen, without criticizing or judging your spouse. Both spouses need to explain why they feel the way they do about this issue. Learn to respect your partners dream, even if you don’t understand this dream.
2. Soothe- make sure during this conversation that neither of you are feeling flooded, and if you are, take a break to calm down.
3. Reach a temporary compromise (the two-circle method)- in a gridlock situation you aren’t going to be able to just solve the issue, but if you both write down your nonnegotiable areas and your areas of flexibility, you might be able to come up with a compromise. Try this out for a while, and then come back to the issue and see how it’s working.
4. Say “thank you”- always show gratitude for your spouse after these sessions. Talking about your gridlock issues is never an easy thing, show appreciation for your spouse.

Gottman also talks about a “marital poop detector” and how once a week we should check in with ourselves and ask certain questions to make sure we are feelings alright. If we do this check in and find that there is a lot of negativity or irritability then we should set aside time to talk to our spouse about what is going on. This can help us resolve problems before they get to an overwhelming point. There have been a couple times in my marriage where I have noticed I’ve been grumpier than usual, or irritable for seemingly small things. When I have taken the time to step back and figure out why, and talk to my spouse we have been able to work through it without it blowing up into an argument.

W09 Consecration in Marriage

“Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve. We become more grateful.”- Goddard (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage)

I found it interesting that this week everything we read was slightly different, but all tied in so beautifully. We read about an array of things which included:

• Marital conflict and the importance of solving our solvable problems 
• Consecration
• Agency and anger
• Forgiveness

As I was reading I was thinking about how all of those are so important in a marriage. No matter the marriage there will be marriage problems, but if we are consecrated, and give everything we have to our spouse we can surmount those problems.

When we take the advice from Elder L.G. Robbins and apply that to our marriage we will be able to work through our problems, even perpetual ones. He says, “A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. . .The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members.” And he does such a good job! It is amazing to see how easy it is for us to become angry with those we love most. If we can learn to control our anger starting with our families we can win that fight against Satan!

One of the best ways to recover from anger is to forgive. I never realized how important forgiveness is in marriage, until I got married. In a way learning to change our way of arguing into soft start-ups rather than harsh start-ups we are teaching ourselves to push aside the anger, be humble, and forgive.

Week 8 Pride and Humility

 

When I got married I quickly realized how important humility is in a marriage! Humility is the opposite of pride and because pride seems to play at least a little part in every marriage, there needs to be humility. In his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” Goddard said, “In fact any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that invitation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” I have noticed whenever I am irritated with my spouse if I take time to sit there and think, I can ALWAYS think of something I did that either made the matter worse, or cause the irritation. There have been times when pride has gotten in my way and all I can see are my husband’s mistakes. But early on in my marriage I decided to try and find something to apologize for in every argument. Even if I don’t think I’m in the wrong, or my husband hurt my feelings, every time I’ve made the effort to humble myself and apologize for something I’ve always found something, and the fight ends pretty quick. My husband is really good at doing this as well, not to say pride doesn’t play a role in our marriage, because it does, but it is something we are always actively working on.

In President Bensons talk, “Beware of Pride” he says “God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble.” This quote really stood out to me! One way or another we have to be humbled! I would much rather choose to be humbled than compelled! There is another quote by Goddard that says, “When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refund us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness. We gladly give our time and energy to bless those around us- especially those with whom we have made covenants.” When we are humble everything in our life gets better, including our marriage!

Marriage is not a walk in the park always and sometimes it can feel like we don’t have the tools to fix it but Goddard said, “Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to ask God for help. And he is mighty to save- both souls and marriages.” God will help us, especially in our marriages. He knows we are not perfect, he knows that the natural man will sneak in at times, but when we do our best to work on it he will help. One quote from Goddard that really hit home with me was, “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires in which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.” This is like anything, when we look for the good we see it, when we look for the good in our partner we see the good.

 “Love is not a happy accident; it is a choice.” – Goddard. As we choose to be humble and overcome our pride our love will blossom and grow.

Week 7- Turn Toward One Another

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”- D&C 64:33

Turning toward one another in marriage can be hard at times, it is easy to want to turn inward and think about your feelings. Yet if we listen to this scripture it teaches us a lot about turning toward one another.

Be not weary in well-doing- sometimes turning toward one another can be tiring, sometimes we would rather relax than do something for our spouse. But if we are not weary and do the little things constantly that is what will build our marriage.

Ye are laying the foundation of a great work- doing the little things for our spouse is what builds the big things. If you are constantly working on the little things, the big things won’t be as hard. When there is a disagreement, you will already have a positive sentiment override and it will be easier to get over.

Out of small things proceedeth that which is great- Out of these little acts our marriages will thrive. In Gottmans book we learn about how turning toward one another is better for a marriage than a two week get away to the Bahamas. This is because small acts that we do everyday to show our spouse that we love them and cherish them is what will bring romance to our marriages.

Although I am not the perfect example of turning toward my spouse, I do try very hard. When I make him lunches I try to leave cute notes or funny inside jokes in his lunch box. When he is unwinding and playing a video game after we put the baby to bed and asks if I want to play with him, although sometimes I would rather just relax I play. I play because it means something to him and it helps me show interest in what he is interested in. And honestly, I’ve started to enjoy it and have fun.

Christ is the perfect example in all things, even marriage. Although we don’t know if he was ever married he taught us to serve, love unconditionally, and always look for the good in others. This is what we need to do in a marriage. The more Christ-like we strive to be the more Christ-like love we will have for our spouse. There’s a really famous saying that goes around about how a marriage is a triangle. God is at the top and the husband and wife are at either corner, the closer you draw to God the closer the husband and wife become.

Week 6- Cherishing Your Spouse

I have loved learning more and cherishing our spouses this week, I feel that it worked perfectly with today being Valentines Day! As I read about love maps in Gottman’s book it made me happy to see that I scored highly, and excited to do the longer tests with my husband, as I know there is still plenty we need to learn about each other. I couldn’t help but think about complacency and how easily that can happen in a marriage. As you date, and are newly married you are busy learning everything you can about each other, but what happens 5, 10, 15 years down the road when you already claim to know everything and life has gotten in the way. Love maps are something that couples need to be working on, constantly. It is not something you learn once. And while just going through life you will continue to learn things about you spouse, you also need to actively try to dig deeper. That is why it is so important to keep dating in a marriage. As I read the love maps and was quite proud of myself, and my marriage I got to thinking about how I am still newlywed, and have a long way to go in this life. I never want complacency to take hold in my marriage.

There is a quote by Henry B. Eyring that says, “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes the weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companions joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” When we are constantly praying for our spouse, and praying for ways to love our spouse I believe that is when we will keep growing as a couple. When we pray for love, when we pray to help, to forgive, to cherish, we will be given those things. It may take time and effort but as long as we are praying that means we are worried and that we care. Whenever I have gotten frustrated with my sweet husband, I make myself do something to serve him, and usually at the beginning I may be grumbling a bit, but by the end of whatever I’m doing I feel that love return and I am no longer upset. Granted these are tiny things, that shouldn’t frustrate me anyways, but it has really taught me that when you work at something, when you work to have fondness and admiration and love, you will get it. If you let yourself dwell on the negative, that is what you will think of, if instead you focus on the positive (even if at times you have to really focus) that is what you will get.

This week we focused on nurturing and appreciating our spouses and I LOVED it! I loved focusing on the good in my marriage and it really gave me the jump start I needed. It is so easy to get caught up in everyday life, and how busy that gets, but we really need to take the time to show appreciation to our spouse! That's how love grows! Me and my husband did two of the activities in Gottman's book and it was so nice to be specific in all the ways we appreciated each other over the last couple of days. There were things I was doing that I didn't know he really appreciated and vice versa. I feel like we got to know each other even more. As we focus on the good instead of  the bad in our marriages it is so easy to be happy! I noticed I was so happy this week and so in love with my spouse because I was CHOOSING to look at all of his good characteristics instead of focusing on the negative.

Week 5- Repair Attempts

As Goddard says in his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, “Sometimes we imagine that learning some tidy set of skills will enable us to process our partnership woes effectively. But good marriage is not about skills. It is about character.” In order to have a successful marriage we must not only having skills but we have to truly be and act a certain way, it has to be engraved in our character. As I thought of my own marriage during this week’s readings I found that my marriage has a positive sentiment override, that’s not to say we don’t argue or have conflict, but we let the positive out-weigh the negative. The indicators that have drawn me to this conclusion is we always try to think the best of each other instead of jumping to conclusions and becoming angry, we also accept each other’s repair attempts. Like I said we are definitely not perfect, and we have our problems as every couple does, but we both strive to remain positive.

In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Gottman explains that friendship is the most important thing in a marriage. He explains, “Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures their quarrels don’t get out of hand.” A little bit later on in the book he explains what that tool is, he says, “Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples—even though many of these couples aren’t aware that they are employing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way.” Gottman explains that the success of repair attempts has to do with how strong the friendship is in the marriage. This is why it is so important, every marriage will have its fair share of conflict, and that doesn’t mean it is doomed to fail, the thing that marks it as unsuccessful is if those repair attempts don’t work.

Week4- Covenant or Contractual

“The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieve in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.”

 Marriage is a partnership where you constantly are working on becoming one, as this quote perfectly explains the man and the woman have different roles in a marriage but because of those differences they can become one. In a talk titled, “Covenant Marriage” by Bruce C. Hafen he explains that there are two different types of marriages, a covenant marriage or a contractual marriage. He explains the difference as this,

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

A covenant marriage is one that gives their all and works together, no matter what comes their way. In this day and age, it is more and more common to have contractual weddings, which is why we are seeing more and more divorces. Couples who are only there for the good won’t stay when the ugly inevitably makes its way over. Every marriage no matter what is going to face trials, there is no denying that, life will throw curve balls and in order to survive you must be totally 100 percent committed to your spouse.

In that same talk by Bruce C. Hafen he goes on to explain that there are three types of wolves that will inevitably come and test a marriage, those are, natural adversity, your own imperfections, and excessive individualism. I’ve seen all three of these wolves be manifest, some in my own marriage, and some in the marriage of loved ones. While we will all be faced with them it is our job to get past them, together. The idea of individualism is becoming more and more prominent and it’s starting to hurt marriages. While it is important to have your own identity, and to do things that you enjoy, the real test is not getting carried away. While there will be different hobbies and interests it is important to include your spouse as much as you can. I think of me and my husband, we honestly have a lot of the same interests and love to spend our time together, but recently we have decided that one night a week I need to get out of the house and do something for me. We do this so that I can feel rejuvenated and come back a better wife and mother—and while I am gone he does things that he enjoys. This helps us to have a restart, if this was every night that is when extreme individualism sets in.

The main way that we can make sure we have a covenant and not a contractual marriage is in our actions. Bruce C. Hafen said, “Faithfulness and fidelity in marriage must not simply be attractive words spoken in sermons; rather, they should be principles evident in our own covenant marriage relationships.” We must show our spouse through our actions that we love them and are faithful to them. By acts of service, and words of affirmation, both in public and private we can solidify our marriages.

Week 3- Same-sex Marriage

“It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.”

-Russell M. Nelson

Same-sex marriage is a very touchy topic in this day and age. It’s one that can hurt a lot of feelings, and has caused a lot of people to feel upset and that the Church needs to “get with the times” or that we are being judgmental. That is not the case. 

In a talk Russell M. Nelson gave to BYU graduates he said, “God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was he who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quotes bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!” I love this quote because it really solidifies that marriage was created by God, it is his union and therefore man cannot change it. God has declared marriage as a union between a man and a woman. He then goes on to say, “Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.” We cannot begin to try and change the ways of God, and that is what is happening in the world.

I grew up in California, and when I was in high school Prop 8 was going on. This was a really hard thing for me, because although I knew it was right, I was one of the three members in my high school. To top it off I was on the same cheer leading team as a gay guy. One day as the car pool dropped me off they saw our many Prop 8 signs, I was given a pretty hard time for this and as a high school student I really didn’t know how to respond. But I made sure this guy knew that it didn’t change the way I thought about him, it wasn’t to hurt him, that he was still my friend, but that I simply thought marriage should be between a man and a woman.  Surprisingly he was understanding as were my other friends. As time has gone on I have seen this fight get worse and worse and uglier. I know my children will grow up in a much harsher world than I did and I just hope that I can teach them to love others, but to stand for the right.

Week 2- Marriage Trends and Divorce

 “Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times.” (State of the Union, pg. xii)

This week as we learned about the importance of marriage and more importantly how harmful divorce can be it got me thinking about today, and how scary it is that divorce is so common. In a talk by Elder Oaks entitled “Divorce” he said that some people refer to their first marriage as their “starter marriage”. This just about broke my heart. No marriage should ever start with even the though that it could end. That being said marriage takes work, it’s not something that just happens, but is something that you need to work on and cherish if you want it to last. As the quote above states we marry potential, and in a marriage it is so important that we see that potential.

Later in that talk Elder Oaks goes onto say that “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” I love that. No marriage is going to happen without fights and disagreements, but it’s how we handle those fights that will affect the outcome of our marriage. As long as we can remember this important principle taught by Elder Oaks, that neither our spouse or ourselves our perfect our marriages will stand a much higher chance against the world. Although a marriage is made up of two imperfect people, we can work together to eventually become perfect.

In a talk by President Kimball called “Families Can Be Eternal” he stated “…only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” There is so much evil around us, especially attacking the family, that in order to protect our families we must be actively working on it. The main things I am going to do to ensure to preserve my family is to make my home a safe haven. I want my home to be a place where my children feel safe and not a part of the crazy ways of the world. I will do my best to have family prayer and scripture study, but also to make sure that there is always love and open dialogue in my home. Of course, there will be fighting at times, but I always want to make sure there is a precedent of love. That no matter how much we fight, and no matter that none of us are perfect, we are a family and we love and protect each other. I feel like the main way we can achieve this is to make memories together. Also, I feel like making my marriage a priority will protect my family, if my marriage is full of love and happiness that will set the mood for my family. My children will see what a happy marriage should be like, and hopefully they will follow my example and not those of the world. 

References:

Kimball, S.W. (Nov. 1980). Families Can Be Eternal. Ensign.

Oaks, D.H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.

State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage Project. http://www.stateofourunions.org