W10 Gridlock

 

This week we learned about overcoming gridlock and how we can get past something that seems impossible to overcome. Gridlock is a problem in a marriage that is impossible to overcome, it’s one that every time you talk about it, it gets worse. The best-case scenario for a marriage is that they can avoid gridlock at all costs, but that does not always happen. The majority of the time when gridlock occurs it is because of a hidden dream that one of the spouses has, when you can get to the deep-rooted meaning of the gridlock and figure out the dream, that is when you can learn to overcome it. Gottman gives us four steps to get over gridlock which are:

1. Explore the dream- in order to explore the dream, you must both speak, and listen, without criticizing or judging your spouse. Both spouses need to explain why they feel the way they do about this issue. Learn to respect your partners dream, even if you don’t understand this dream.
2. Soothe- make sure during this conversation that neither of you are feeling flooded, and if you are, take a break to calm down.
3. Reach a temporary compromise (the two-circle method)- in a gridlock situation you aren’t going to be able to just solve the issue, but if you both write down your nonnegotiable areas and your areas of flexibility, you might be able to come up with a compromise. Try this out for a while, and then come back to the issue and see how it’s working.
4. Say “thank you”- always show gratitude for your spouse after these sessions. Talking about your gridlock issues is never an easy thing, show appreciation for your spouse.

Gottman also talks about a “marital poop detector” and how once a week we should check in with ourselves and ask certain questions to make sure we are feelings alright. If we do this check in and find that there is a lot of negativity or irritability then we should set aside time to talk to our spouse about what is going on. This can help us resolve problems before they get to an overwhelming point. There have been a couple times in my marriage where I have noticed I’ve been grumpier than usual, or irritable for seemingly small things. When I have taken the time to step back and figure out why, and talk to my spouse we have been able to work through it without it blowing up into an argument.